Sunday
12/15
Happy Holidays... Really. I Mean It.
It’s not often that I find myself being chastised by inanimate objects, but, not unlike lunar eclipses and being mistaken for Tyrone Power on the street, it does happen occasionally. Well, actually several lunar eclipses have come and gone since I was last mistaken for Tyrone Power, but you get the point.
Anyway, in this particular case the inanimate object happened to be my kitchen radio, which this very morning took me to task for engaging in curmudgeonly holiday behavior. More specifically, it was Brian Lehrer’s guests on our local NPR station that made it abundantly clear that I’m guilty of distributing cold and impersonal Christmas cards.
Indeed, these two busybody radio guests went on to opine that not only do they look forward to a personalized, handwritten note inside each holiday greeting that arrives in their mailbox, but they enjoy nothing more than the occasional family newsletter that may be included.
Now it must be said that although the notion that I might be anything less than warm and fuzzy towards my fellow man seems at first to be laughable, the more I considered the holiday cards I had sent off to acquaintances and loved ones alike this year the more convinced I became that I had, in the vernacular, weenied out. Pre-printed address labels? Check. Pre-printed return address labels? Yup. Pre-printed picture cards that feature not only our two strapping lads in their holiday finest but also an impersonal pre-printed holiday greeting? Oh my Lord, yes… guilty as charged.
So, as an act of holiday contrition, (which, I must admit, is rather more agreeable than donning a hair shirt) I offer this highly personalized greeting to all those of you who are suffering a gnawing, empty despair in the pit of your stomachs as a result of having been deprived of the benevolent intimacy of a special greeting from me. Here goes:
Dearest ______, ______, _______, and little _______.
Although it’s hard to believe, the holidays are here again! How the time seems to fly, especially since I’ve taken up mending the shoes of homeless orphans in my spare time. Honestly, between that and all the time I spend donating kittens to the elderly, I hardly ever get a chance to tell you all how much you’ve been in all of our thoughts during the year.
I do hope all is well with everyone there, especially ________. I know that his/her arthritis has been acting up; please know that he/she is in our prayers. And heavens, how little ________ must be growing. I would imagine that he/she is walking/in college by now! How precious. Well, must sign off for now, I don’t want to be late for my part time job training Seeing Eye dogs.Best wishes, ______, _____, _____, and ______.
