Sunday
1/08/04
Mmm, Now That's Archive Fresh!
I often find that one of the greatest conveniences that computers afford us is that nothing ever really goes away. Say, for instance, you once labored over a brief pastiche that decried the inexplicable tendency that movie stars have of marrying each other. Once done and having served its purpose, the bit of satire may be retired to an archive somewhere in cyberspace; and yet it remains, like a seasoned fire-brigade, ever at the ready to be republished as circumstances warrant.
Practically speaking, what this means is that just yesterday I glanced at TV for a moment and it told me that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston are getting --gasp-- divorced! Holy pre-nup Batman! Quick! Must type out wry-yet-telling bit of social commentary on the matter... oh wait. Don't have to. Just reach back into the cyber-archive and, poof! An already prepared piece on big doofus entertainers who insist on putting themselves through the universally futile exercise of imitating the well-adjusted by engaging in holy matrimony. Knuckleheads.
Anyway, the following piece is baby powder fresh from the archive; and although it's about J. Lo, Afleck, and Marc Anthony, I think the point it makes about movie stars and commitment is still salient. Enjoy:
A Modest Proposal.
It's always seemed to me that a good way to consider legislating social policy is to treat it as you would a lifestyle choice and assume that moderation is the key. It would, for instance, be a shame to never have a brandy after dinner, but on the other hand having ten or twelve is probably unwise. Likewise, when considering whether or not to legislate social policy we want to make sure that we don't end up in a restrictive Marxist kleptocracy, but neither do we want to create a freewheeling corporate/libertarian kleptocracy. (Oops, too late.) Moderation, please.
That said, I have what I believe is a modest and well-considered proposal for legislating a bit of social change. I believe, in short, that it should be illegal for famous people to marry each other. Or anyone else, for that matter, like J. Lo and Marc Anthony joining in wedded bliss this weekend. A week after he divorced his Miss Universe wife? And after we had to look at Ben Afleck's big goofy face for a year? I say it's time to end the horror for once and all and simply outlaw entertainment industry driven nuptials.
Ah, but I can hear the cries of protest already:
"Thats a terrible idea, Evan! If big, stupid stars couldn't marry each other then how could they divorce each other? What would the E! Network show all day? What would happen to the supermarket tabloids? An entire industry would collapse overnight! Thousands out of work! Children will go hungry, chaos in the streets, our way of life will be destroyed!"
I can only hope. No, not really, but jeez. Honestly, what the hell is J. Lo thinking? Does she really believe that love is more magical and special the third or fourth time around? Does she not see that becoming Liz Taylor is a very sad thing indeed? Did she learn nothing from the short-lived union of Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett? For heavens sake.
If nothing else, Anti-Famous-People-Getting-Married legislation can be seen as a humane way of stopping them from embarrassing themselves and others. Sort of like making it illegal for drunks to piss on the sidewalk. Although drunks tend to be less annoying.
Yes, thats it! Consider such legislation a quality of life law! Just as there is no more smoking indoors, never again would we have to endure the image of Britney Spears wobbling out of a garish Las Vegas chapel with one of her old boyfriends in marital tow! Write your congressman today! You'll all thank me later. Really.
