Thursday
04/01/04
Bush and Cheney, Holding Hands Under the Table
Rather in the same way that I avoid reaching across the table to pick at other people’s entrees, I’ve never felt the need to re-post the work of others. But… then there was that fateful day that my wife ordered the best crispy sesame beef ever. It was perfectly aromatic and crispy yet tender, rather like this following piece sent along to me by a friend yesterday. (Thanks)
It perfectly mirrors my merriment at learning yesterday that the intellectually and morally challenged Bush will only testify before the 9/11 commission if it’s in private and if daddy Cheney holds his hand. Enjoy:
Scene: The Roosevelt Room in the west wing of the White House. Time: The near future. Members of the 9/11 Commission sit on one side of a large walnut conference table, President Bush and Vice President Cheney on the other. Next to them is White House Counsel Albert Gonzales. An elderly secretary sits at one end of the table, pad of paper in her lap, dozing in her chair. Two beefy secret service agents guard the door.
Chairman Kean: (looks to his fellow commissioners to make sure they're ready, then taps his gavel lightly on the table) I hereby call this special executive session of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States to order. In keeping with your request Mr. President, today's session will not be recorded, and we will have only one note taker ... (she snores audibly) from the White House secretarial pool. Are these arrangements satisfactory?
Bush: (glances at Cheney, who barely nods his head) Yeah, this'll do, I guess. I mean, it's not like we've got anything to hide. (he catches Timothy Roemer trying to suppress a smile) Whaddya you laughin' at, Tiny Tim? You wanna piece of me? Mano a mano?
Kean: Mr. President, please! We don't have much time!
Cheney: (smiling) Fifty seven minutes and forty three seconds, Mr. Chairman.
Kean: But Mr. Vice President, Mr. Gonzales assured us you and the president would not set an arbitrary time limit on your testimony today!
Cheney: (still smiling) Fifty seven minutes and eighteen seconds, Mr. Chairman. (winks at Gonzales)
Kean: (flustered) Then I suppose we should proceed. Mr. President? Excuse me, Mr. President? May we begin?
Bush: (still glaring at Roemer) Fine by me. But just remember what I said: We got nothin' to hide, and Dick here can vouch for it. Why, he knows I woulda stopped those planes if the CIA had just told us where the damned ragheads were gonna strike ... (Cheney bursts out in a loud fit of coughing. We hear the sound of a foot being stomped under the table. Bush winces and stops talking.)
Kean: (rushes to fill an awkward silence) Then I believe Mr. Ben-Veniste is scheduled to go first. If someone would just, uh, alert our note taker there... (Jamie Gorelick leans over and nudges the secretary, who wakes up with a start)
Note Taker: Eh? Is it time for coffee?
Gorelick: (sotto voice) The testimony is starting.
Note Taker: (querulous) What? Farting? Who's farting? Don't tell me Mr. Card had the bean soup for lunch again today!
Gorelick: I said, the testimony is starting.
Note Taker: (stares at Gorelick for a moment, then starts to fiddle with a hearing aid in her ear) Just a minute dearie, I think I need to replace the battery in this thing ...
Cheney: (grinning) Fifty three minutes, seventeen seconds, Mr. Chairman.
Kean: Commissioner Ben-Veniste, you may begin.
Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, what did you know and when did you know it?
Bush: Say what?
Ben-Veniste: (chuckles) Sorry, Mr. President. I couldn't resist that one. (clears throat, grows more serious) Mr. President, you were inaugurated as president on January 20th, 2001, were you not?
Bush: (evasive) You mean as president of the U.S. of A.?
Ben-Veniste: Yes sir, that's right.
Bush: Well, I, that is, um ... I think ... (Cheney loudly stamps his foot under the table, twice)
Bush: (carefully pronouncing each word) Yes, Commissioner, that statement is correct.
Ben-Veniste: And as president, you bear the ultimate responsibility for your administration's performance, do you not?
Bush: Responsibility? I'm not sure I like the sound of that ... (Cheney loudly stamps his foot, once.)
Ben-Veniste: (annoyed) Is something wrong, Mr. Vice President?
Cheney: It's just my foot, Commissioner. I'm afraid it's gone to sleep. (stamps it again, once.)
Bush: (slowly and precisely) No Commissioner, I must disagree with you about that.
Ben-Veniste: About what?
Bush: What?
Ben-Veniste: You must disagree about what?
Bush: (flustered) Whatever you just said, that's what.
Ben-Veniste: (sighs, consults his papers) Mr. President, we've heard testimony from Director Tenet, and others, that you were briefed on August 6, 2001 about the threat of terrorist hijackings -- either in the United States or abroad -- and that your senior counter-terrorism advisor urged you to take the federal government to "battle stations." Do you recall these conversations?
(Cheney drums his fingers on the table, loudly.)
Bush: (grins at Cheney) Could you repeat your question, Commissioner? A little more slowly?
Ben-Veniste: (exasperated) Mr. President, on August 6, 2001, were you or where you not warned that Al Qaeda terrorists might be planning a major hijacking?
Bush: (slouches back casually in his chair) Welllll, lessee now. August 6th, you say? Hmmmm...you know Commissioner, that was a mighty long time ago. (he glances at Cheney, who nods sympathetically)
Bush: I'm going to have to think real hard about that one, Ben.
Ben-Veniste: My name's Richard.
Bush: Whatever. August 6th ... August 6th ... You know, I think I was on vacation that month, back in Crawford. Ain't that right, Dick? (Cheney nods) You ever been down to that part of Texas, Ben? Awful pretty country ... (Cheney looks at his watch, smiles) Ben-Veniste: (wearily) Let's move on, Mr. President, maybe we can return to that question later. (Cheney makes a scoffing noise in the back of his throat.)
Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, have you ever had any business dealings with any members of the Bin Laden family?
Bush: (gives Ben-Veniste a shifty look) Have I ever had any what?
Ben-Veniste: Business dealings. Have any members of the Bin Laden family ever invested in any of the companies you've been associated with, or served as directors with you on any corporate boards ...?
Gonzales: (interrupts) Mr. Ben-Veniste, the administration wants to cooperate with the commission's work, but we have clearly stipulated as a condition for this session that questions about the president's relationship with the Bin Laden family are entirely out of bounds.
Ben-Veniste: (frowns) You have? I've seen no record of it.
Gonzales: That's because there isn't any. (snorts) We just made it up. (Cheney gives Gonzales a high five)
Kean: (interjects) Works for me! Now if you have no further questions, Commissioner Ben-Veniste, we'll move on to Commissioner Thompson. (Ben-Veniste starts to protest, but thinks better of it after noticing that one of the secret service agents is cracking his knuckles and glaring at him.)
Kean: Big Jim?
Thompson: (puts down the porno novel he's been reading) Thank you Mr. Chairman. I yield the balance of my time to Mr. Cheney. (picks up porno novel.)
Gorelick: Objection, Mr. Chairman!
Kean: (bangs gavel) Overruled. Mr. Cheney?
Cheney: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Since our time here is growing short... (Gorelick tries to interrupt, but Kean gavels her down.)
Cheney: As I was saying (smiles at Gorelick), since our time is now short, I'd like to take this opportunity to put something on the record -- something that's been bothering me really ever since 9/11. To the families of those who died on that terrible day, I want to say how sorry I am that so many of our career federal bureaucrats failed to protect you and your loved ones from the Islamic menace. Dick Clarke failed you. George Tenet failed you. But most of all, Dick Clarke and George Tenet failed you. They tried -- maybe not as hard as they should have, but nobody's perfect. Still, they failed. I just hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive them someday. (wipes an imaginary tear from his eye, then glances at his watch)
Bush: (cuts in) And now Mr. Chairman, in the few minutes remaining, I'd like to offer a prayer for each and every soul who went to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on that tragic day. Please bow your heads while Al here reads the names of our honored dead Ready when you are, Al. (Bush bows his head)
(As Gonzales pulls a thick list from his briefcase, the Democratic commissioners fume, throwing down their pens and angrily gathering up their papers. The Republican commissioners, meanwhile, stare blissfully into their folded hands.) Gonzales: (reading from list) Adams, Edgar P. ... Afford, Janice ... Agee, Betty L. ... Agee, Simon F. ...
Bush: (bellowing over Gonzales) Oh Heavenly Father, we beseech you to accept the Christians on this sacred list into your loving care, and we beg you also to show mercy to the nonbelievers, that they may someday be released from the gates of hell, and find their way to Jesus ...
(Bush's prayer gradually fades into an echo, leaving only the sound of Gonzales reading the names of the dead)
Gonzales: Butcher, Gerald R ... Bzyninski, Maude ... Carmine, Joseph .... (his voice gradually dies away)
(Fade to black)
(I’m afraid I don’t know the source, but anyway: great thanks to the author. -E)
|
Bush and Cheney, Holding Hands Under the Table
Rather in the same way that I avoid reaching across the table to pick at other people’s entrees, I’ve never felt the need to re-post the work of others. But… then there was that fateful day that my wife ordered the best crispy sesame beef ever. It was perfectly aromatic and crispy yet tender, rather like this following piece sent along to me by a friend yesterday. (Thanks)
It perfectly mirrors my merriment at learning yesterday that the intellectually and morally challenged Bush will only testify before the 9/11 commission if it’s in private and if daddy Cheney holds his hand. Enjoy:
Scene: The Roosevelt Room in the west wing of the White House. Time: The near future. Members of the 9/11 Commission sit on one side of a large walnut conference table, President Bush and Vice President Cheney on the other. Next to them is White House Counsel Albert Gonzales. An elderly secretary sits at one end of the table, pad of paper in her lap, dozing in her chair. Two beefy secret service agents guard the door.
Chairman Kean: (looks to his fellow commissioners to make sure they're ready, then taps his gavel lightly on the table) I hereby call this special executive session of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States to order. In keeping with your request Mr. President, today's session will not be recorded, and we will have only one note taker ... (she snores audibly) from the White House secretarial pool. Are these arrangements satisfactory?
Bush: (glances at Cheney, who barely nods his head) Yeah, this'll do, I guess. I mean, it's not like we've got anything to hide. (he catches Timothy Roemer trying to suppress a smile) Whaddya you laughin' at, Tiny Tim? You wanna piece of me? Mano a mano?
Kean: Mr. President, please! We don't have much time!
Cheney: (smiling) Fifty seven minutes and forty three seconds, Mr. Chairman.
Kean: But Mr. Vice President, Mr. Gonzales assured us you and the president would not set an arbitrary time limit on your testimony today!
Cheney: (still smiling) Fifty seven minutes and eighteen seconds, Mr. Chairman. (winks at Gonzales)
Kean: (flustered) Then I suppose we should proceed. Mr. President? Excuse me, Mr. President? May we begin?
Bush: (still glaring at Roemer) Fine by me. But just remember what I said: We got nothin' to hide, and Dick here can vouch for it. Why, he knows I woulda stopped those planes if the CIA had just told us where the damned ragheads were gonna strike ... (Cheney bursts out in a loud fit of coughing. We hear the sound of a foot being stomped under the table. Bush winces and stops talking.)
Kean: (rushes to fill an awkward silence) Then I believe Mr. Ben-Veniste is scheduled to go first. If someone would just, uh, alert our note taker there... (Jamie Gorelick leans over and nudges the secretary, who wakes up with a start)
Note Taker: Eh? Is it time for coffee?
Gorelick: (sotto voice) The testimony is starting.
Note Taker: (querulous) What? Farting? Who's farting? Don't tell me Mr. Card had the bean soup for lunch again today!
Gorelick: I said, the testimony is starting.
Note Taker: (stares at Gorelick for a moment, then starts to fiddle with a hearing aid in her ear) Just a minute dearie, I think I need to replace the battery in this thing ...
Cheney: (grinning) Fifty three minutes, seventeen seconds, Mr. Chairman.
Kean: Commissioner Ben-Veniste, you may begin.
Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, what did you know and when did you know it?
Bush: Say what?
Ben-Veniste: (chuckles) Sorry, Mr. President. I couldn't resist that one. (clears throat, grows more serious) Mr. President, you were inaugurated as president on January 20th, 2001, were you not?
Bush: (evasive) You mean as president of the U.S. of A.?
Ben-Veniste: Yes sir, that's right.
Bush: Well, I, that is, um ... I think ... (Cheney loudly stamps his foot under the table, twice)
Bush: (carefully pronouncing each word) Yes, Commissioner, that statement is correct.
Ben-Veniste: And as president, you bear the ultimate responsibility for your administration's performance, do you not?
Bush: Responsibility? I'm not sure I like the sound of that ... (Cheney loudly stamps his foot, once.)
Ben-Veniste: (annoyed) Is something wrong, Mr. Vice President?
Cheney: It's just my foot, Commissioner. I'm afraid it's gone to sleep. (stamps it again, once.)
Bush: (slowly and precisely) No Commissioner, I must disagree with you about that.
Ben-Veniste: About what?
Bush: What?
Ben-Veniste: You must disagree about what?
Bush: (flustered) Whatever you just said, that's what.
Ben-Veniste: (sighs, consults his papers) Mr. President, we've heard testimony from Director Tenet, and others, that you were briefed on August 6, 2001 about the threat of terrorist hijackings -- either in the United States or abroad -- and that your senior counter-terrorism advisor urged you to take the federal government to "battle stations." Do you recall these conversations?
(Cheney drums his fingers on the table, loudly.)
Bush: (grins at Cheney) Could you repeat your question, Commissioner? A little more slowly?
Ben-Veniste: (exasperated) Mr. President, on August 6, 2001, were you or where you not warned that Al Qaeda terrorists might be planning a major hijacking?
Bush: (slouches back casually in his chair) Welllll, lessee now. August 6th, you say? Hmmmm...you know Commissioner, that was a mighty long time ago. (he glances at Cheney, who nods sympathetically)
Bush: I'm going to have to think real hard about that one, Ben.
Ben-Veniste: My name's Richard.
Bush: Whatever. August 6th ... August 6th ... You know, I think I was on vacation that month, back in Crawford. Ain't that right, Dick? (Cheney nods) You ever been down to that part of Texas, Ben? Awful pretty country ... (Cheney looks at his watch, smiles) Ben-Veniste: (wearily) Let's move on, Mr. President, maybe we can return to that question later. (Cheney makes a scoffing noise in the back of his throat.)
Ben-Veniste: Mr. President, have you ever had any business dealings with any members of the Bin Laden family?
Bush: (gives Ben-Veniste a shifty look) Have I ever had any what?
Ben-Veniste: Business dealings. Have any members of the Bin Laden family ever invested in any of the companies you've been associated with, or served as directors with you on any corporate boards ...?
Gonzales: (interrupts) Mr. Ben-Veniste, the administration wants to cooperate with the commission's work, but we have clearly stipulated as a condition for this session that questions about the president's relationship with the Bin Laden family are entirely out of bounds.
Ben-Veniste: (frowns) You have? I've seen no record of it.
Gonzales: That's because there isn't any. (snorts) We just made it up. (Cheney gives Gonzales a high five)
Kean: (interjects) Works for me! Now if you have no further questions, Commissioner Ben-Veniste, we'll move on to Commissioner Thompson. (Ben-Veniste starts to protest, but thinks better of it after noticing that one of the secret service agents is cracking his knuckles and glaring at him.)
Kean: Big Jim?
Thompson: (puts down the porno novel he's been reading) Thank you Mr. Chairman. I yield the balance of my time to Mr. Cheney. (picks up porno novel.)
Gorelick: Objection, Mr. Chairman!
Kean: (bangs gavel) Overruled. Mr. Cheney?
Cheney: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Since our time here is growing short... (Gorelick tries to interrupt, but Kean gavels her down.)
Cheney: As I was saying (smiles at Gorelick), since our time is now short, I'd like to take this opportunity to put something on the record -- something that's been bothering me really ever since 9/11. To the families of those who died on that terrible day, I want to say how sorry I am that so many of our career federal bureaucrats failed to protect you and your loved ones from the Islamic menace. Dick Clarke failed you. George Tenet failed you. But most of all, Dick Clarke and George Tenet failed you. They tried -- maybe not as hard as they should have, but nobody's perfect. Still, they failed. I just hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive them someday. (wipes an imaginary tear from his eye, then glances at his watch)
Bush: (cuts in) And now Mr. Chairman, in the few minutes remaining, I'd like to offer a prayer for each and every soul who went to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on that tragic day. Please bow your heads while Al here reads the names of our honored dead Ready when you are, Al. (Bush bows his head)
(As Gonzales pulls a thick list from his briefcase, the Democratic commissioners fume, throwing down their pens and angrily gathering up their papers. The Republican commissioners, meanwhile, stare blissfully into their folded hands.) Gonzales: (reading from list) Adams, Edgar P. ... Afford, Janice ... Agee, Betty L. ... Agee, Simon F. ...
Bush: (bellowing over Gonzales) Oh Heavenly Father, we beseech you to accept the Christians on this sacred list into your loving care, and we beg you also to show mercy to the nonbelievers, that they may someday be released from the gates of hell, and find their way to Jesus ...
(Bush's prayer gradually fades into an echo, leaving only the sound of Gonzales reading the names of the dead)
Gonzales: Butcher, Gerald R ... Bzyninski, Maude ... Carmine, Joseph .... (his voice gradually dies away)
(Fade to black)
(I’m afraid I don’t know the source, but anyway: great thanks to the author. -E)
