Dad's on the Couch Archive

6/07/04

A Little Social Policy Shift, Please.
It’s always seemed to me that a good way to consider legislating social policy is to treat it as you would a lifestyle choice and assume that moderation is the key. It would, for instance, be a shame to never have a cigar after dinner, but at the same time having three or four is probably a bad idea. Likewise, when considering whether or not to legislate social policy we want to make sure that we don’t end up in a restrictive Marxist cleptocracy, but neither do we want to create a freewheeling corporate/libertarian cleptocracy. Moderation, please.

That said, I have what I believe is a modest and well-considered proposal for legislating a bit of social change. I believe, in short, that it should be illegal for famous people to marry each other. Or anyone for that matter… like J.Lo and Marc Anthony joining in wedded bliss this weekend. A week after he divorced his Miss Universe wife? And after we had to look at Ben Afleck’s big goofy face for a year? I say it’s time to end the horror for once and all.

Ah, but I hear the cries of protest already:

That’s a terrible idea, Evan! If big, stupid stars couldn’t marry each other then how could they divorce each other? What would the E! network show all day? What would happen to the supermarket tabloids? An entire industry would collapse overnight! Thousands out of work! Children will go hungry… chaos in the streets… our way of life will be destroyed!

I can only hope. No, not really, but jeez. Honestly, what the hell is J.Lo thinking? Does she really believe that love is more magical and special the third or fourth time around? Does she not see that becoming Liz Taylor is a very sad thing indeed? Did she learn nothing from the short-lived union of Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett?

If nothing else you can look at anti-famous-people-getting-married legislation as a humane way of stopping them from embarrassing themselves and others. Sort of like making it illegal for drunks to pee on the sidewalk.

Yes! That’s it! Consider such legislation a quality of life law! Write your congressman today! You’ll all thank me later. Really.

6/03/04

Screamin' Good Fun.

It’s always nice when our expectations come to pass, even when they’re a sure bet. Sort of like knowing that the Yankees are going to beat the Red Sox in the playoffs till the end of time. It never gets old.

Another fine thing that never gets old is riding the Tower of Terror at Disney. As I mentioned a week ago or so, the brood and I were on our way to Disney, and if all went well, it wouldn’t be long before the older lad and I would be riding the Tower of Terror, screaming like little girls and trying not to poop our pants.

Well, I’m pleased to report that all went as planned. I shrieked. The lad screamed. Nary a pair of shorts was soiled, and the adrenaline rush lasted till lunch. What a fine thing.

Anyway, the rest of the trip went exactly as any parent who’s done it would expect; it was, by turns, incredibly hot, fun, expensive, exhilarating and exhausting… all at the same time. Moreover, at Disney the service is always great, everyone is always smiling and everything just simply works.

Of course the curmudgeon in me is always sure that it will never be as fun as the last time, and yet, it always is. Sort of like watching the Yankees beat the Red Sox. Again.

5/25/04

We're Off To See The Wizard. Well, Mickey, Anyway.


Like so many things in life, guilty pleasures are a relative thing. For some, a guilty pleasure is saving up their lunch money for a trip to the tables in Atlantic City, while for others it’s no more than a tub of Hagen Daz hidden in the farthest reaches of the freezer.

Now as I generally project an air of saintly perfection, it may come as a surprise to many that I too, have a few guilty pleasures of my own. And while it’s probably best if I keep most of the details to myself, I must admit to having a soft spot for Disney World.

Yes, it’s a silly place, just as artificially saccharin as it is well groomed. It’s also perhaps the finest mechanism designed by the mind of man for separating parents from their dollars as well as their sanity. And yes, there’s a creepy, pod-like sort of cheery conformity to the entire affair… and yet it remains, to put it in the vernacular, really cool.

It’s cool that you can stand on line for things while being bathed in a light mist of water. It’s cool that you don’t have to walk more than twenty feet to find a smiling "cast member" who will offer you a refreshing drink. It’s cool that you can drive the parks hither and yon, and despite all the freshly groomed grass everywhere, you will never, ever, see a lawn mower. How do they do that? I dunno, but it sure is cool.

So my Lovely Bride and I, with our little brood in tow, are on our way for some Mickeylicious fun in sunny Orlando today, and before you know it the older lad and I will be in the Tower of Terror, screaming like little girls and trying not to poop our pants. What could be cooler?


PS- Oh yeah. Hey Paul, I can pretty much guarantee that regardless of how much fun we have all week, on the plane home I will indeed be one of a number of dads with the thousand-yard-stare, each of us wondering how we survived. But hey, it’s cool.

5/21/04

Tough Indeed.

As Memorial Day approaches I realize that summer, like a bushel of over-ripe August tomatoes, is upon us. It also seems that some blog reviews of Austin Murphy’s "How Tough Could It Be?" are starting to ripen as well, so I may as well get off the pot and have my say about my copy.

I’d begin by noting that rather like Rebel Dad, I really wanted to like this book. It seemed reasonable that it might offer something valuable despite its obviously gimmicky premise. An oft-travelling dad (who’s a writer by trade) signs up for a six month tour in the trenches of full time parenthood. Fair enough.

But, by page seven Austin is preparing to make the decision to stay home: "Sitting there on the floor that January morning, I took inventory. Laura needed a wife, and I needed an excuse to stay home for a good long while." Laura needs a wife? Uh oh.

And, as it turns out, being the wife apparently means that you are entirely and completely responsible for every single home-related task. There is no sharing of chores or responsibilities between the Murphys; it’s a hardcore all-or-nothing, sink or swim household.

On his very first morning of dad duty, for instance, Austin’s son is staying home sick from school. When Austin returns from dropping his daughter off, he is informed by his wife that:

"I was going to call school to tell them Devin won’t be in today," she said. "Then I remembered, that’s your job." She gives me a peck on the cheek and, with a chipper "Good luck!," is out the door.

Good luck indeed. I could go on about the almost childishly adversarial vibe between Austin and his wife as they sort out whether any given daily chore has been performed properly… but you get the idea. There are an awful lot of high expectations here.

All is not lost however; over time Austin does grow as both a parent and a supportive spouse, and by the time he and his wife switch roles again it's clear that they have a much healthier relationship. The six months has actually done them so much good the book could just as well be in the Barnes & Nobel self help section for marriages.

In short, it's not a bad book by any means, I'm just not sure how much it has to offer the well seasoned at-home-dad families out there.

5/19/04

Mmmm. Now That's Tasty.

I’ve noticed on occasion that I have a soft spot for many things passe. I do, for instance, still enjoy Beefeater martinis (with a twist, bone-dry and not bruised, please) despite the fact that the martini's popular resurgence is so very 1998. Likewise, I know that I’ve missed the boat when it comes to savoring the surreal goodness of all the great spam names that fill my inbox each morning like the crabgrass that plagues my lawn.

But, despite the fact that having fun with spam names is so very 2003, I just couldn’t resist hanging onto my favorites and creating a little poetry of which I’m sure any Dadaist would be proud. To wit: first the names and then my little pearls of poetic profundity:

The names:

Sell P. Birdhouses -- Mistrust M. Sperm -- Walt C. Gulag -- Mummer R. Pucks -- Beryls M. Mutant -- Exhaust F. Spleens -- Empties U. Mussed -- Salazar A. Regress -- Sealants D. Inescapable -- Predicating P. Oversimplifying -- Compensation T. Granular -- Armadillo H. Inquisition -- Stagnated D. Scythe -- Saltwater I. Ample -- Lupus M. Carfare -- Scoops H. Tallest -- Woulds S. Demur -- A manyfold Scandinavian Spaniards -- Cannonballs P. Hibernia -- fukmi hard -- Duffers B. Bionics -- Linkage L. Stingy -- A venae diallelus bescorching. From: -- Theorem R. Stalactites -- Castrated J. Breathing -- Bearing H. Rowdier -- Domesticity G. Knox

And the poems:

Castrated duffers
Sell cannonballs
And granular pucks


A manyfold Scandinavian
And demure Spaniards
fuckmi hard


Beryls mutant spleens
Exhaust the tallest stalactites
With ample seawater


Predicating rowdier breathing
Empties stagnated birdhouses
And ample carfare


Oversimplifying inescapable inquisition
and demur armadillo bescorching
mistrust rowdier Spaniards


Now that’s some poetic goodness that stays fresh, regardless of the year. Heck, I think I'll go put on my Member's Only jacket.

5/17/04

Rights and Privileges

As my two boys grow and mature, (Well, mostly just grow sometimes…) I find them constantly lobbying for more rights. The right to stay up later, the right to ride their bikes in the street, the right to play Halo even though Master Sergeant has this pesky habit of killing people with big guns, and so on.

Of course as a parent I see these things not as rights, but as privileges. And as they are privileges, I have the right and responsibility to approve or deny any and all requests, depending on how ridiculous they are.

Soon enough though, the lads will be adults and the tables will have turned. As adults they will in fact deserve a number of rights as United States citizens. The right to vote, the right to a trial by their peers (Unless you’re Jose Padilla, of course), and the right of free speech, among others.

And beginning today, same sex couples in Massachusetts have the right to be legally married. There are of course those who wring their hands and shriek about gay marriage bringing a plague of social chaos and disorder… but these are the same people that were sure that true civil rights for blacks would destroy our culture. (Well, then again I suppose the Civil Rights Act of 1964 did destroy an ugly culture of segregation and violence… but oh well.) And again these are the same people who were sure women’s suffrage would be a disaster; and yet each morning the sun continues to rise and life goes on.


Anyway, there aren’t very many things in life about which I’m completely certain, but three of them are that 1: gay marriage can’t possibly somehow "cheapen" my own marriage as some would insist, 2: It’s none of my damn business who marries who, and 3: the sight of my government actively trying to limit the rights of it’s citizens is an ugly sight indeed.

In short, the neocons and the religious right would have us believe that parenting and governing are analogous, and as such it’s their job to abridge or restrict our rights as they see fit. Not so. Just the opposite is true. In America it is we, the citizenry, who have not just the right but also an obligation to set limits on government.

And I sure don't want my boys growing up in an America that has forgotten that distinction.


Oh yeah… and congratulations to Julie and Hillary.

5/11/04

I Like Shiny Things

Mmmm… shiny. If I had to take a wild guess, I’d say that everybody has a short list of shiny things they secretly admire. Some, for instance, may covet the neighbor’s new 40-inch plasma TV. For others it’s probably the neighbor’s wife instead. I personally often find myself gazing at the lawn across the street. So green. So shiny. So not full of weeds.

Well, I like shiny things on the internet as well; and here are two exquisite little things that I admire immensely. They don’t belong to me, of course, but I felt I just had to share: The first is a simply fantabulous post entitled "Wonder Twin Powers: Activate! Form of Toothpaste!" by Steven over at The Sneeze, and the second shiny thing is from August J. Pollak at xoverboard.com. It’s re-posted below in glorious, shiny Technicolor:



Perhaps he didn't make himself clear:



And all Iraqi military and civilian personnel should listen carefully to this warning: In any conflict, your fate will depend on your actions. Do not destroy oil wells, a source of wealth that belongs to the Iraqi people. Do not obey any command to use weapons of mass destruction against anyone, including the Iraqi people. War crimes will be prosecuted, war criminals will be punished and it will be no defense to say, "I was just following orders."
-George W. Bush, 3/19/2003


I expect them to be treated, the POWs, I expect to be treated humanely, just like we're treating the prisoners that we have captured humanely. If not, the people who mistreat the prisoners will be treated as war criminals.

-George W. Bush, 3/23/2003


As the vise tightens on the Iraqi regime, some of our enemies have chosen to fill their final days with acts of cowardice and murder. In combat, Saddam's thugs shield themselves with women and children. They have killed Iraqi citizens who welcome coalition troops, and they have forced other Iraqis into battle by threatening to torture or kill their families. They have executed prisoners of war, waged attacks under the white flag of truce, and concealed combat forces in civilian neighborhoods, schools, hospitals and mosques. In this war, the Iraqi regime is terrorizing its own citizens, doing everything possible to maximize Iraqi civilian casualties, and then to exploit the deaths they have caused for propaganda. These are war criminals, and they'll be treated as war criminals.
In stark contrast, the citizens of Iraq are coming to know what kind of people we have sent to liberate them.

-George W. Bush, 4/6/2003


Given the nature of this regime, we expect such war crimes. But we will not excuse them.
War criminals will be hunted relentlessly and judged severely.

-George W. Bush, 3/28/2003


---Again, thanks to August J. Pollak at xoverboard.com. Shiny indeed.